No You're Not a Bad Parent: Insights from Pediatrician Dr. Liz Henry

Ever wonder what it truly means to converse effectively with your teen? Join host Jennifer Arvin Furlong on a journey with Dr. Liz Henry, a leading pediatrician, author, speaker, and youth advocate, as they dissect the intricacies of navigating communication with teenagers. They discuss the significance of setting clear parent-child boundaries, guiding meaningful conversations around potentially dangerous internet activity, and the importance of showing genuine interest in your teen's pursuits, popular or not.

Listen as Jen and Dr. Liz navigate the world of teenage emotions and the complexities of making sense of the darker corners of the internet. Let's journey together through this challenging but rewarding phase of parenting.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

They're going to roll their eyes I mean, that's the nature of the screen. They're going to act like oh I can't believe you asked that question and you're going to feel like dumb as a parent. It's how they make you feel and so that's the part of being a teenager. So you're going to feel that way, but ask anyway. You're going to get that reaction. You know that's a reaction and you have a normal teen. If you get that reaction.

Speaker 2: 0:29

Communicating with teens is not easy the angst, the eye rolls, the hormones, the outside influences that we didn't necessarily like. It's easy for parents of teens to feel like they are failing at everything, and I know all about that. My kids are grown now, but there were plenty of times I was at a loss as to what in the hell to do. So that's why I asked notable pediatrician Dr Elizabeth Henry, who is affectionately known as Dr Liz, to be a guest on the show. She's been a trusted advisor to parents and youth for over 20 years, working as a practitioner and now as a consultant. We had so much to talk about. We ended up doing two episodes. In this one, we talked about why it's important to remember that you are a parent versus being a friend, understanding that there is a time to lead and there is a time to follow, how to have those conversations about the dark corners of the interwebs and the benefits of showing an interest in what they're into, even if you think it's stupid and a waste of time. In the next episode, we dive into the heavier topics that parents need to be prepared for, like anxiety and depression, handling social pressures, and we even step a little bit into the trans debate. For today, though, there is a lot to cover, so let's get started.

Speaker 2: 2:05

Music PLAYING] Welcome to the Communication 24-7 podcast, where we communicate about how we communicate. I'm your host, Jennifer Furlong. Music PLAYING] Y'all do? I have a fantastic guest today on the Communication 24-7 podcast. I'm super excited. Now, I know I say I'm excited a lot, but truly I'm really excited. I've been waiting for this conversation.

Speaker 2: 2:47

So, dr Liz Henry, she is a I want to say, world renowned. I keep wanting to say world renowned, but hey, you know what I'm going to help you get, yes, just an amazingly talented pediatrician who is an author number one, number one bestselling author. She's a speaker, she's a youth advocate. She helps parents I mean, really helps parents learn how to have those important and meaningful conversations with their teens. And that's why I wanted her on this show, because you know we're having some really challenging days and especially if you're a parent of a teenager, you know what. Even if you're a parent of a young child, you want to pay attention to this episode because there are going to be some golden nuggets that you do not want to miss out on. So, dr Liz, it's so good to see you. Thank you so much, thank you for inviting me.

Speaker 2: 3:53

Oh, absolutely of course. Now. We wanted to do this a long time ago, but you know, I went on my hiatus and so season three was coming around the corner and I was like you know what y'all? We have got to get Dr Liz on the show because I know we're going to have a fantastic conversation. We've had conversations before, but this is something that's going to help so many parents out there. So, before we get started, do you mind just really quickly telling the audience a little bit about your background in pediatrics and just catch yourself on where you are today. What are you doing today?

Speaker 1: 4:31

Sure, and thanks again for having me here.

Speaker 1: 4:34

I am a board certified pediatrician, a public speaker, an author, parent advisor and youth advocate, and my mission is to empower parents and uplift youth through my transformational programs.

Speaker 1: 4:51

Now just to backtrack I went to Princeton University, got my undergraduate degree at Princeton, majored in English, african-american studies and took the pre-med courses along the way, then got my medical degree at the University of Pennsylvania Medical School and then did my pediatric residency at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington DC, came back I'm originally from New Jersey, so I came back north to Philadelphia, worked a year at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and then joined a private practice in New Jersey where I practiced and became a partner for over 20 years and during that time I saw thousands of patients and guided thousands of families and found that parents, specifically parents of teens, pre-teen teens and young adults would come to the practice.

Speaker 1: 5:50

They really needed guidance, and there's no handbook on how to raise a teen. And if there's a handbook, every teenager is different. And so I became that go-to person in the practice who loved guiding teenagers and speaking to teens and connecting the parents with teens and training parents on how to have healthy conversations. And so, after years of doing that in the practice, I decided that what I love the most is doing that. So I created a consulting company, dr Liz Consulting, where I pivoted, and that's what I do full time and my mission is to strengthen the connection between parents and teens and really adults and young people in general.

Speaker 2: 6:42

Yeah, and we need that. Like you said, there really is no handbook available and even if there were, yeah, we're all different and every teen I mean it's a challenge just to even have conversations. I mean, I remember being a teenager, I remember what it was like and so, and I think they have more challenges or maybe different challenges than what we had when we were teenagers. So that's gonna be a part of the conversation I'd like to have today. But I'm just curious about one thing.

Speaker 1: 7:15

Okay.

Speaker 2: 7:16

What made you go from an English major to a medical field? What was it about? English that was like. You know what? Nah.

Speaker 1: 7:26

Well, I always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to go to medical school and be a doctor. And you can major in anything to go to medical school. So I had classmates who majored in Chinese and then went to medical school, wow.

Speaker 1: 7:45

So when I was in college I decided I loved English, I loved writing, reading, literature. So I decided, since I could major in anything, I might as well pursue that passion, because when I get to medical school I'll have all the science and all the biology that I needed or ever wanted. So that was the best way to combine both my passions.

Speaker 2: 8:09

That's awesome. Do you think it was? Do you think having that English background has helped you with your communication skills, because you are so skilled at being able to have meaningful conversations with parents as well as teenagers in a way that they can get it? You know they feel comfortable opening up and having some difficult conversations. You know about some difficult topics. Do you think that English background has definitely helped you in that area?

Speaker 1: 8:41

Oh, I think most definitely it's helped me with just the interpersonal communication. You have some doctors who have terrible bedside manner. They don't know how to communicate. They're always looking down, writing the diagnosis, never really having eye contact or interacting with the patient, and so I think both in the written and oral communication being an English major definitely helped me in that.

Speaker 2: 9:12

Yeah, yeah, I can see how that. I strongly encourage anyone who wants to get into the medical field. Please just take some English, extra English classes, communication classes, whatever it is that's available to you. It makes such a big difference to patients when you're already scared, you're already afraid, and so you know having to have a difficult conversation it's not gonna come as easy, you know, to some patients as other patients. So just being able to have that additional skillset is so incredibly helpful, I think, in this field.

Speaker 1: 9:55

What's the part of medicine? I mean that patient interaction.

Speaker 2: 10:00

Yeah right, you think it's like well duh.

Speaker 1: 10:06

Plus some physicians who go in there don't realize that. Oh yeah, I mean I actually have to talk to yeah yeah, and then throw in.

Speaker 2: 10:15

you know there's a teenager in the mix. You know that makes it a little more challenging. What do you see that? The challenges? As a pediatrician, you know you have all these conversations with parents and you've seen kids over the years. Is there a theme or a thread that you see has connected some of the most common challenges over time? Or do you see that there's, you know, real changes in the communication challenges that exist between parents and teens today? Is it getting harder? Is it getting easier? What have you witnessed over the years with your patients?

Speaker 1: 11:02

Over the years. There's always communication challenges between any generation. There were communication challenges between my mother and me, and so that's ongoing, that generational gap. But I think now with social media technology kids growing up with an iPad in their hand they have limited ways now to socially engage and interact one-on-one interpersonally Because you see them text each other and they're in the same room. Rather they'll be on the couch next to each other talking to each other via text Rather than turning around and having that interaction. So just the nature of communication between the generations has changed and in parents especially, our generation hasn't grown up with the technology at our fingertips. We don't understand that and we don't realize that this is their world now and we're like put down that phone and put it away. But that's how they communicate now and it's not going to get any better, it's going to get worse because there's going to be new technologies, more advancements. Now you have chat, gpt, right, so it's just going to increase exponentially.

Speaker 2: 12:38

Yeah, that is very frustrating. I remember when my kids were teenagers my son is 26 now and my daughter is 25. And I was adamant, when we ate dinner at the dinner table, that there was technology was not allowed and if I found it I was taking it. It was going to be confiscated and we're going to get it back for some time. Do families still do that? Do you think parents have just given up? Do we still recommend having that time, as you know, like that sacred less? Have that time to really be able to have engaged conversations face to face rather than text messaging one another. What do you think about that?

Speaker 1: 13:26

Well, I think some families still do that is, you know, put your phone down at the dinner table. I think they are probably in the minority, because I think a lot of parents have given up. And also, what parents have to recognize is, if you want your kids to put their phone down, that you have to put your phone down as well. Yes, because a lot of times, you know, we say, put your phone down, but we're at the dinner table looking at our emails from work or responding to emails, and we can't tell them to do that and not do the same ourselves, and a lot of times we're caught up in the habit of that as well. I would advise, it would be beneficial if everyone, like you, did with your kids there was a time where there's no phones or no technology, just so that you can develop the ability to talk with each other and interact with each other.

Speaker 2: 14:36

Yeah, yeah, you know, I think that made a huge difference in just being able to have those conversations with them. Not that it solved everything. I mean we had some. There were times it was uncomfortable sitting around that dinner table, you know, because sometimes we had to have some really hard conversations and they didn't end so well, you know. But I really do. In the long run, now that they're older, I think it laid a foundation for being able to have some discussions over some very difficult topics and I really would love for that to be a situation for many other teens that are out there to be able to feel like they can have those conversations meaningful conversations with their parents. So where do they begin? You know, if you're a parent and they're listening to this show right now and they're just, they're feeling the struggle, they're feeling that tension between them and their teenager, where is a good starting point? What should they do?

Speaker 1: 15:43

I always say the best starting point is to listen.

Speaker 1: 15:48

And you feel like that as the communicator is. Listening is key and a lot of times we don't start with listening. We want to do something. We want to be active and do something, but actually sitting back and listening, observing your teenager. What do they like, what don't they like, what are you hearing them say? What are you hearing them not say? And so those things are important because I don't know if your kids have ever said you're not listening to me. That's the common that I think they've all like studied out of the same book that you're not listening to me. And I think almost every parent has heard that.

Speaker 1: 16:38

And one thing I tell parents is that most of the times your teenager is right and that you're not listening to them. And because often we say we're listening but what we're really doing is listening for an opening to speak and give our opinion and to tell them what to do. So we're just waiting for them to stop speaking, because we already know how we're going to tell them to fix it. And it's natural, as parents, to want to jump in and fix things and make things all better, but a lot of times our kids don't want us to fix things. They just want to vent and use us, their parents, as sounding boards. Yeah, they do that, and if we let them talk and just and let them share what's going on with them, a lot of times they figure things out for themselves. And one one thing I would say with my daughter when she would talk and she's 25 now too is is do you want me to listen or do you want me to give my opinion? Which one do you want? It's an excellent question.

Speaker 1: 17:50

And sometimes she says I just want you to listen, I don't want anything, and you know, and you know, so I'll listen. Sometimes I have to hold my tongue as a parent. You know you want, you want to jump in and say something. But if, once they know, you're really listening and interested in what they have to say, you may not agree with it Not saying agree with it but if you're really interested in what they have to say, they're more likely to open up to you and and less likely to shut down.

Speaker 2: 18:25

What if it were possible to bridge the gap between you and your teen so that you could communicate with honesty, compassion and understanding? What if you could transform your relationship with your teen so that you can guide them to be confident, capable adults who want to open up to you? If you like the sound of that, you need to get the book titled you Are Not a Bad Parent. It's by board-certified pediatrician, dr Elizabeth Henry. She will guide you down a streamlined path to creating lasting connection and true understanding between you and your teen. Get your copy today by clicking on the link in the show notes. We really don't think about the importance of, with our own kids, building that rapport right? That's really what we're talking about. I know in communication, one of the things that we talk about, one of the first things that you need to build if you want to build a relationship and be able to have a good conversation with them is you really do need to work on building that rapport with them first. Do you think maybe we take that part of it for granted?

Speaker 1: 19:32

Oh, yeah for sure we forget well, as parents, it's our job to prepare them to be happy, healthy, successful, good citizens. We get so caught up as parents in preparing them for becoming an adult and when they finish high school, we forget that they're living life right now. They're human beings right now. They don't get any more human when they turn 19 or 20. We get so busy and bogged down that we forget about what you just said building that rapport and that relationship. Then there's the position of authority, like I know as the parent and you don't know, and I'm going to tell you what to do. There has to be some you know the give and take and that rapport so that they feel comfortable to open up to you when things aren't going well or they're challenged, or they think you may get mad that they can still come to you because they know that you love them unconditionally, no matter what. Now they may be punished or maybe consequences, but they know that you have their back, no matter what.

Speaker 2: 20:56

Yeah, and that takes work, it takes effort. There will become a time where you may have to put the hammer down, right, because, yeah, let's face it, teens I mean, we're a teenager we make dumb decisions, right, we do things that are pretty. Like what in the hell were you thinking? Why would you do that? Why would you say that? You know all the whys out there. And so when there will come a time where you are going to have to have, maybe, that final decision, maybe you will have to say no, yes or you know, maybe you will.

Speaker 2: 21:38

Yeah, but it's going to be a lot harder if you haven't already established that relationship, like you were saying, that communication relationship with them. So if you're a parent and you have young kids right now, what would you say to them? And you know, not just the listening aspect of it, but how do you guide a young kid going into their you know, their tween years, into their teen years? In addition to the listening, are there some other things that they should begin practicing now to help prepare to have that relationship? You know, build that rapport now.

Speaker 1: 22:21

I think one of the key things to do is to really allow them to explore who they are. As parents, we often fall into the trap, and I've seen parents fall into the trap of thinking that their child is like a mini me, or will like the same things that they like, or be good at the same things that they were good at, and not really pay attention to their child's individual talents, like what are they great at, what do they love, what are they interested in doing? And even if those things are completely the opposite of what the parent like, if they like hip hop and you like rock, I tell parents, listen to their music anyway, stuff her through it at least a little bit. My daughter, like I, grew up on R&B and some rock and she I don't know how fell in love with electronic dance music. Right, it's like where is that coming from? You know, and? And?

Speaker 1: 23:38

But you know, in the car I would let her turn it on on the radio and, and you know, I listened to it and I asked questions about that and may have annoyed her. Who's that and why is that? And so, even though I didn't, I didn't initially like it, I, I, now I got used to it. Now I turn it in the on the on in the car myself. But she knew I was interested and engaged and was open to her interests and so that helps bring you together so that when they become a teenager there is that bond there. They know that you know you're interested in and who they are and you're interested in their friends and and what they're up to.

Speaker 2: 24:21

Yeah, Even if they're playing games right Video games.

Speaker 1: 24:24

Yes, then then ask, then be interested in the games they're playing. And if you're not a video gamer, then be a video gamer for a little bit, learn what they're doing. And the same with social media, because I've had parents who aren't on social media their kids aren't Facebook or whatever the social media, snapchat and they're like oh, I don't do that, but you don't know or understand what your kids are doing if you're not on it. So it's important to be in tune and in sync with them, so you have some familiar, your familiar with the things that they're using.

Speaker 2: 25:08

Yeah, and it's pretty dangerous out there. I mean there are a lot of dark corners of the internet. Oh yeah, that you really do want to make sure that that, to the best of your ability, know what they're looking at and having conversations about and who's approaching them to have conversations. It's pretty dangerous out there at times If you don't really know who they're having these conversations with. How does a parent approach their teen about having those conversations? Because you know the eye rolls.

Speaker 1: 25:45

Say yes.

Speaker 2: 25:46

The side of the line is like I'm not stupid, right, I'm not stupid.

Speaker 1: 25:54

You are, that's what they do.

Speaker 2: 26:00

Yeah, those are hard conversations to have because, you're right, they are growing up using this technology that we didn't grow up with and so I don't know. I mean, I don't have any studies to back this theory up or anything, but I think when you my theory is when you grow up, you know using this technology and you're so used to it, maybe you become complicit with it. Maybe you, you know, just you're so used to being approached or you're so used to seeing things online that maybe your parents would find questionable, and maybe you just become numb to it and you know, I don't know, and that's I think that right there is in itself is difficult. It's something difficult that parents, you know, need to talk about, but you know, I don't know with teenagers, they're not very approachable when it comes to their online. You know what they're consuming online, right?

Speaker 1: 27:02

right. Well, I mean, I would say they're going to roll their eyes. I mean, that's the nature of the screens. They're going to act like, like, oh, I can't believe you asked that question. That's you know, and and you're going to feel like dumb as a parent. That's how they make you feel and see, that's the part of being a teenager. So you're going to feel that way. But ask, anyway, you know you're going to get that reaction, you know that's a reaction and you have a normal teen.

Speaker 1: 27:33

If you get that reaction, so, and you know, one thing you could say is I know I'm your mom and I'm saying this because I'm your mom and I know this is a mom thing to say, but I'm saying it anyway. You know, did you check? Are you making sure that you know who you're talking to? And they're like oh, I can't believe you ask that mom, but don't realize that they may blow you off, but a lot of times they do hear it, you know, but they just, oh, I can't believe you said that, but it does sink in and you may not see them. Oh well, let me check, like you know, when they get back in their room.

Speaker 1: 28:16

Yeah, but, but a lot of times your voice. You know that that voice, that annoying voice for them, becomes their inner voice and and you don't realize that, and that's what you want as a parent. So you want them like when they're making that decision, you want them to have here, you're a little voice saying now, you know, you did it on the inside. So, and it's not just as a parent too, you want as a parent, you want to surround, you want to surround your child with Adult figures also. Who can be that inner voice? Because they may not list. You may say One, that one thing, and I like, oh, I can't believe you said that, but you know, aunt Mary, well, we'll come and say the same thing like oh yes, that was a great idea.

Speaker 2: 29:10

That's right being reinforced.

Speaker 1: 29:12

Right Reinforced by different people, because it will be received differently Depending on the person who says it.

Speaker 2: 29:21

Yeah, so even though the role in their eyes and they may not seem like they're listening and they're all huffing and puffing and they're taking it in, they just don't want you to know it.

Speaker 1: 29:38

I've had patients like a patient in the in the office and his parents were very Lieny. It like no curfew, he could come and go as he pleases, whereas his friends parents were very strict, they wanted to know where he was. He had to report in and the, the patient who had lenient parents, actually Thought that his parents didn't love him. Mmm, because you know he now he would have complained like his other. You know Friends would have complained with the strict parents, but to him you know they didn't care. When he came in they didn't care where he was. And so you know, being lenient Can can also backfire where the child won't say, oh, you don't care about me, they'll just go about and come and go as a please. But in the back of his mind, in the background, that's what he thought.

Speaker 2: 30:37

Yeah, well, it makes sense. You know it's like well, I'm not, you're not even interested enough to Ask about it or to say something about it, then maybe you just don't care. You know I can. I can see how that would translate and what an awful feeling For for a kid, even if that's not what you're meaning, and I'm sure there are a lot of well-meaning parents out there who they. You know I'm not gonna be as strict as my parents and you're just, you can do what you want and live your life, man, you know, and Kind of do your thing. But that's really going in the in the wrong direction. But I guess you gotta, you gotta figure out a way to be able to get that good balance right, because you don't want to go too hard on on being, I guess, too restrictive Right versus just being too lenient, it's apparent to do.

Speaker 1: 31:33

Well, they need discipline. Teens, and he thinks they need discipline and they need structure, they need curfews, they need, so they do need the structure. We mostly think that, oh well, they need to be independent and, and you know, have make their own decisions and they do in In a sense, but overall they do need. They still need the structure, they still need you to be on top of them, they still need you to ask who their friends are and and all of that.

Speaker 2: 32:04

Yeah, yeah. How do you approach it if you think your teenager is not hanging out with the right crowd? Because I know that's a really touchy Subject to get into. Inevitably, you know some teenagers. They may gravitate toward friends that are not necessarily the best Friends to be able to, you know, to hang out with. So what's apparent to do in that situation when they just know that one right, there's a bad seed. You need to be hanging out with that one.

Speaker 1: 32:43

Yeah, well, that is, that is hard, and I think that's one reason, before you know, it's good for the parent to be involved with the friends and it's great if your house, if you, if your house or you can be that that's center for the friend group, right? So so that you're the hub, I mean it may be hard on the parents, because you're always, the kids are always over.

Speaker 1: 33:08

But then you know the kids Right, know who they are, you know who their parents are, you know what they're doing and they sometimes, those friends, come to you With their, with their issues.

Speaker 1: 33:21

So that's why it's important, before you hit the team Years, to kind of develop that rapport and then if you find your, your, your child, you know, hanging out with, with the wrong person or the bad seed it's, it's to have a, when you say don't, you know, then that drives them, then of course they're gonna go far further and and more deeper into that relationship. But you can gently point out different things that that you see or you know About that person, or or you know, gently say like why don't you, you know, why aren't, why aren't you hanging out with so and so anymore? And maybe Try to invite the bad seed over when they're there and bring them into the Bringing it, bring them into the crowd, but kind of gently inquire, ask open-ended questions and try to have your teenager kind of think about hmm, yeah, why is it that when I go over there this happens all the time? Or when I come back, you know, I don't feel that great or I'm in a bad mood.

Speaker 2: 34:43

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 34:43

So because when the decision comes from them and not from you, to kind of disconnect or distance, then it'll, then it's their decision, not yours.

Speaker 2: 34:55

Yeah, I think that that decision to be the hub, to be that parent, it that can go a long way with some kids, you know, I will tell you, being the kid that came from the broken home, you know, with the drug abuse and the alcoholism and all of those things, you know, sometimes there was even physical violence happening in the home. I remember, you know, going over to my friend's homes and it was just so nice to have a space to be able to go to, Even if it was just for like an afternoon. It made the biggest difference, you know, for me it just it meant the world to me to be able to do that, and so I think that's a really great point that you just made about. Look, there are some kids out there who, you know, you don't know what their home life is like. They could be struggling and, of course, their actions, their behavior, might be a reflection of whatever is going on in their life, you know, at that time.

Speaker 2: 35:58

And so if you could be the hub but I know there are some parents out there though they like to be the hub, but they take on the attitude that they wanna be the friend more so than the parent. Now, I have very strong opinions about that. What, what I'm like no, ma'am, no, no, no. So what do you think about that, though, that you know, that shift from yeah, I don't think you need to be the friend in this instance.

Speaker 1: 36:29

It's a balance. You can, you can, but you have to be willing to turn it off, Mm be the mom Right so cause I could say I'm friends with my daughter well, she's 25 now but friends where she would come to me sometimes tell me things like too much is, like, oh, that was all too much, like I didn't need to know all of that.

Speaker 2: 36:58

Thanks for trusting me, but but, but.

Speaker 1: 37:03

But when she I had to, would have to remind her that you know, I'm not one of your little friends, you know.

Speaker 2: 37:11

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 37:12

You have to watch who you're talking to. You must, you must have blanked out or blacked out, cause you forgot.

Speaker 2: 37:18

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 37:19

Yeah, so let me remind you so. So you have to be willing. You can't be their friend all the time. Now you can be their friends, you know, in certain instances, and and and have that open relationship where they share and you, but, and and I want to say, cause I said when when they share with you, but as a parent too. You have some parents that share too much with their kids, like you know what's going on in their sex life, you know you can't be their friend like that.

Speaker 2: 37:53

Right, yeah, right.

Speaker 1: 37:55

So so there has to be some some boundaries, and because you can, as a parent, dump too much information on them, tell them you know about, you know what's not working in your life and and all of that, and that's that's too much for them to handle at. As a teen teen really, you know any age. So there has to be some boundaries Drawing Well.

Speaker 2: 38:24

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Speaker 2: 40:03

I, you know, when my daughter was in middle school, we decided to have a costume party at the house, you know, have all the kids come over and it'll be a great time. Well, one of her friends got dropped off and her mother was German. And the daughter comes walking through the front door and the mom is standing there with, like, this bottle of wine and she was like my daughter is authorized to drink. And I was like no, she's not, not here. No, she's not. And I had to have like a 10 minute long conversation with this mother who she could not understand why I was not allowing alcohol, like the kids were not going to be allowed to drink alcohol, you know.

Speaker 1: 40:46

And how long was she in the United States?

Speaker 2: 40:49

Yeah, I know it's like I know you know how things work here, right, it was the weirdest thing. But I guess sometimes you also, as a parent, have to be willing to say no to the other parents and just not go along with what everybody else you know may think is okay to do. That could be a difficult thing in itself. I mean, teenagers have peer pressure, but I guess parents do as well, don't they?

Speaker 1: 41:18

Yeah, parents compare themselves and what's going on, and sometimes you have to be that uncool parent.

Speaker 2: 41:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, Cool Sorry.

Speaker 1: 41:32

Who's going to be over it? Are their parents going to be home when you go to their house? You know that type, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 41:41

So what do you think about when a parent will say well, you know what you can be bad, you'll get over it. Is that okay? Is that okay to say because you know? I will admit, sometimes I would say that you know what you'll get over it.

Speaker 1: 41:56

You can be mad, you'll get over it. Yeah, you'll get over it. Be mad, yeah, well, I mean, let them be. I always say give them permission to feel right, okay, and anger is a feeling when they're sad. It's a feeling because a lot of times it's hard when we see our kids sad or disappointed and we want to make them feel better. And sometimes we say, like when they're sad, oh, you'll feel better tomorrow or you'll get over it. But in those cases for them it may seem that you're brushing off their feelings or minimizing it in some way.

Speaker 1: 42:33

So I recommend just validating their feelings yeah, because often they have emotions like we all have emotions, and what we resist persists. So if they're sad, let them be. Let them and it's hard as a parent, but you know let them be sad because then they're going to be sad at other times in their lives and they have to learn how to move through it.

Speaker 2: 42:59

Yeah. And that is such a great point.

Speaker 1: 43:02

It's sad, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be mad, and they have to learn how to move through those emotions, because that's part of life and being human.

Speaker 2: 43:12

Yeah, I'm so glad you said that that's such a great point that you just made and that you know what life is hard and things are gonna happen that you don't like. People are gonna say things that hurt your feelings. You know the things are gonna be unfair in your opinion. You know we just we all have to learn how to. I mean, even as adults we're still learning how to navigate those feelings. It's definitely not an easy thing.

Speaker 2: 43:40

So to be able to help them learn how to navigate through those feelings, what a powerful thing for them, you know, to take them into adulthood. I don't think we think about that part of it enough, the validating the feelings and letting them know. And it's okay, if you're sad about something, to also learn how to balance that sadness with you know, like seeking out joy. Yeah, I know, sometimes you know as a teenager that might be the first time that they actually experience loss, you know, and whether it's loss in the form of that first true love you know that they had, or you know it's the death of a family member, you know that could be a very difficult thing for teenagers to go through and figure out how to manage all those feelings, you know and emotions that come along with that loss. Do you have any suggestions for parents on how to help their kids along when they do experience? You know those intense types of emotions, because it's one thing to be irritated, right.

Speaker 2: 44:48

Right, but it's another thing to really have that intense type of, you know like experience, grief in a way.

Speaker 1: 44:56

Well, I think it's important for parents to know that it's not a weakness to go see a therapist. There's always been a stigma attached with and a culturally too different cultures seeing therapists or asking for emotional help with wellbeing. But emotional wellbeing is just as important to take care of as physical wellbeing. And when something hurts we have an ear infection, we break a leg we go to a doctor to fix it and to get well. So emotionally, mental health is the same, so we're emotionally suffering or having issues. It's important to recognize that and that's also how you're in tune with your child, because you know when something's off and seek help with a therapist to talk about it, or even a psychiatrist if it's bad.

Speaker 2: 46:00

Yeah, yeah. We all need help at some point and you know all those emotions that are going on in that teenage brain that they have, and I think it's some. Parents need to learn that it's okay to ask for help, yes, and that I think sometimes we might feel like we have to have all the answers and it's okay to admit that we don't have all the answers. So go talk to a therapist, you know. Ask a pediatrician, you know. Get the help that you need. It's okay to ask those questions. Even for parents, maybe that would be a good way to model that for their kids as well.

Speaker 1: 46:43

And as parents, because parents often we think that we're by ourselves and no one else is going through the same thing, and we like the social media. We only talk about things that are going well, a lot of the times right, and we don't. We tend not to talk about our struggles.

Speaker 2: 47:00

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 47:00

Let's not going well, and so, in conversation, and, and and talking to a health professional, you, you, you will gain insight and direction.

Speaker 2: 47:12

Yeah, so it makes me think of the title of your book. Is you're not a bad parent, right? Right? Why did you decide to Make that the title of your book?

Speaker 1: 47:26

because Most parents that came to me would always feel that like I'm such a bad parent, you know, you know and they would feel guilty just about the things like the things we've been talking about now. They, my child, isn't it communicating well, or or we've had a fight, or they're hanging out with the wrong crowd, so anything that isn't working with their child, they, they internalize it and think it's something they did.

Speaker 1: 47:59

Mm-hmm and that they're a bad parent, and usually those people who who ask if you have to ask whether you're a bad parent or if you tell me you're a bad parent, you're usually not the bad parent. Because you're thinking about it Because you're concerned, then you're usually. That's usually not you yeah, the parents that don't you know.

Speaker 1: 48:22

They're just oblivious and in doing and they think they're the great parents and they're the ones that that have issues so it's really, and Parents have a lot of guilt about you know what, what's not working, and they're trying to figure it out. There's no guidance. You're kind of flying by the seat of your pants after time and what worked with one child isn't working with your second child and you thought well, it worked with John. How come is it works? It's not working with Jimmy. I'm doing the same thing, but they're totally different. And so I decided that that was it's not it's. You're not a bad parent and it's just that you need some guide, some strategies to, to connect with your teen in a way that they'll they'll come and strengthen your relationship.

Speaker 2: 49:13

Yeah, I'm so glad to hear you say that because I know, if you are asking that question, at least you are, you have some level of awareness what's going on and you know I even feel guilty. I have moments where, even now, even though you know my kids are older, they're in their 20s you still think back to decisions that you've made. And you know you do wonder, man, if I had done this differently, or maybe if I had done that differently, would it have made it easier for them in this way? You know, or maybe I should have told them no, you cannot date that person. I had, I had a conversation with my daughter about that.

Speaker 2: 49:54

You know she dated this one person in high school that it was just like no, no, and I wanted to say no. But I was like man, if I say no, and I remember we had this conversation as an adult and I asked her. You know I told her. Well, sometimes I feel like maybe I should have put my foot down even harder and just told you no, you can't date that person, because I feel really bad in the things that she experienced. You know it was not a good experience for her and she told me no, if you had told me no, I Would have done it anyway. It would have been a big fight and you know, there's nothing it just wouldn't have.

Speaker 2: 50:35

It wouldn't have ended well you know, and so it kind of having that conversation with her actually did make me feel a little bit better. I still felt bad because you, like you said earlier, you don't want your kids to suffer, you don't want them to have these bad experiences. But at the same token, it was nice of her to to kind of Help me understand. You know what. You could have said no, but it wouldn't, it wouldn't have done any good. But I think it's easy for us to forget that. You know, as parents, that teenagers they are strong-willed, yes, and they also have a different brain.

Speaker 1: 51:16

Their brain is different, so we also underestimate their, their abilities. Their brain is not fully developed until they're like 23, 24. No, it's still there. The connections, the neural connections, are still forming. Their decision-making ability is is is not adequate because that portion of the brain is not fully developed. So it's not all there like their fault, making dumb decisions because it's they're making dumb decisions sometimes Because their just brain isn't allowing them to, to process and make the the choices of the correct choices that we would make as adults.

Speaker 2: 52:06

Yet somehow they still managed to grow up and what yeah excuse as adults.

Speaker 2: 52:15

So you know, and I guess whether they, you know, make the decision to go to college or join the military, whatever it is that's next for them. So it that's also really hard for a parent to kind of take a step back at that point because you are so afraid that are they making the right decision at this moment in time. I guess you just do the best you can to try to help guide them through some of those decisions, ask good questions and help them arrive at the best decision possible based on the information you have at the time.

Speaker 1: 52:52

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hope you've given them the framework, the foundation, and and to and it's our job as parents to, you know. Let them fly after we provide the foundation and hope that what we gave them sticks.

Speaker 2: 53:09

Yeah, yeah, we have been speaking for over 50 minutes now.

Speaker 2: 53:14

I cannot believe it, like I have so many other questions and so I'm you know I'm gonna say it right now we're gonna have to have a round two.

Speaker 2: 53:32

Okay, we really are.

Speaker 2: 53:34

Well, because there are some really important questions that I think a lot of parents, especially in today's climate yes, you know there are whatever you believe, you know with teens and making big decisions with gender identity, and, you know, having surgeries, and I know that is a huge, huge concern for a lot of parents. You know, regardless of where you are on the political spectrum, everybody has a different opinion on that and everything that we hear and see through the news and whatever you're reading in the media, we're getting like the the loudest, most extreme viewpoints out there, and I think parents of children, you know, tweens and teens might appreciate, you know, hearing us have a conversation about, like, how do you have those conversations with your kids when really difficult things like that are occurring, you know, in the family dynamic, and so you know that's one of the things that I just would really love to have, you know, someone like you to have that conversation with, because I know there have to be parents out there who are like, yeah, we need to hear that as well.

Speaker 2: 54:57

Yeah yeah, yeah, we'll put that on the table.

Speaker 1: 55:03

Part two yeah, for a part two, because then there's other things. I mean the things going on in the world either the, the, the, the shootings, the school shootings, absolutely. You see the climate change, all that smoke from Canada. I mean I couldn't believe that. I mean I'm in New Jersey and I went out of my house and I was like there must be a fire burning nearby, yeah, in.

Speaker 2: 55:30

Canada. Yeah, and so now you know I told a friend of mine the other day. I was like I hope you didn't throw your masks away, because it looks like you're going to need them. It's just a walk outside and, you know, not choke.

Speaker 1: 55:44

And this could be. This concerns Gen Z. I mean, they're all concerned about the future of, you know, the planet and the future of their generation.

Speaker 2: 55:54

Yeah, yeah, and that that's a difficult conversation, you know, or those are difficult conversations, yes, across the board. That I, you know, families are in need of being able to have those is important, so you have to separate the political right, because all of these conversations are politicized.

Speaker 1: 56:17

Yeah, but but, and see the impact on our youth.

Speaker 2: 56:23

Right.

Speaker 1: 56:24

Taking the politics out and looking at. You know what's, you know how is it impacting our youth and and how we can make the world a better place for that.

Speaker 2: 56:34

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. There's a lot of pressure, there is a lot of pressure, so that's going to be. That's going to be our next. Okay, y'all listening? That's going to be our next conversation, so stay tuned. I'm going to make sure we get that on the calendar, like already, right, we're going to get that on the calendar. That was a good preview. That was a good preview for your follow up. Well, dr Liz, it has been a pleasure having you on the show. I always enjoy our conversation.

Speaker 1: 57:05

Yeah, we always have great conversation, yeah yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 57:09

How do we get in touch with you if, if listeners have any questions, they want to follow up with you. What's the best way?

Speaker 1: 57:16

the best way to go to my website, consulting calm, and it has all my information, my social media on Facebook, instagram, all of that, so you can go to that one place and then connect with me on social media and they can always give me an email at dr Liz, at dr Liz consulting calm. That's all on my website.

Speaker 2: 57:39

Okay, and I'll make sure that all of that is available in the show notes. Do you have a final word that you would like to say to parents, who are listening right now?

Speaker 1: 57:50

I just want to tell parents out there to hang in there, and especially during the preteen and teenage years I call them the Jekyll and Hyde phase of life. Teams are hot and cold, they're on and off, but the key is really in and connecting with them, engaging with them and having open, honest conversations.

Speaker 2: 58:16

All right, thanks again so much for being on the show. This has been a wonderful conversation. I know the listeners are going to appreciate having this conversation to be able to go back to and listen to it as many times as they need. All right, everybody will thank you for tuning in and we will see you next time. You all have a great rest of your day and take care. Thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this episode and you'd like to help support the podcast, please share it with others, post about it on social media or leave a rating and a review.