Managing Feelings in the Family with Laura Reardon

Note: This episode was recorded at the start of the school year so our conversation about back to school might confuse you a bit. Keep listening! The information you'll hear in this episode is relevant no matter the time of year. 

Join me on a journey through the emotional highs and lows that come with raising children and figuring out how to best communicate with them. Today, we sit down with child behavior specialist Laura Reardon to unpack the critical role emotional regulation plays in parenting. From the classroom to the boardroom, these skills are fundamental to our children's success, and we're diving into Laura's insights on nurturing them effectively.

Parenting is no easy feat, especially when faced with the storm of emotions that can arise in our little ones. In our second segment, we focus on the essential practice of self-care for parents. If you've ever struggled to keep your cool amid the chaos, you'll find solace and strategies here. We tackle tough topics like sleep, nutrition, and the nuances of self-compassion when life throws your self-care routine out the window. Laura and I explore how taking care of our basic needs isn't just good for us—it's a cornerstone in supporting our children's emotional landscapes.

Lastly, we confront the real talk of behavioral challenges, from tantrums to testing boundaries. This conversation is an honest look at the unique landscapes of our children's emotions and the importance of respecting their individuality, particularly for those with sensory sensitivities or attention-related diagnoses. Laura shares compassionate strategies for managing challenging behaviors, emphasizing the power of co-regulation. Through personal tales and professional expertise, we lay out an empathetic blueprint for guiding children toward managing their emotions, ensuring that parents feel equipped to handle whatever the day may bring.

Buzzsprout - Let's get your podcast launched!
Start for FREE

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:07

Welcome to the Communication 24-7 podcast, where we communicate about how we communicate. I'm your host, jennifer Furlong, as you all know. This is where we communicate about how we communicate. I got to tell you this is going to be a fantastic episode.

Speaker 2: 0:40

I woke up this morning and, just like many of you, I get to my phone and I look at my Facebook feed and I realize that it's just full of back-to-school pictures. All of my friends. Now my own kids are grown. My son is 26, my daughter is 25.

Speaker 2: 0:59

These days are long gone for me, but I couldn't help but to feel a little nostalgic for those days. I have friends who have kids who are in elementary school, but then the ones that really stuck out to me were the ones that were posting the pictures of this is so-and-so's first day of middle school or first day of high school. Oh man, just so many memories came flooding back about how awesome those years are and how exhausting those years are, how challenging those years are, even as fulfilling as they are. There are a lot of experience that we go through with raising children. That's why I am so incredibly happy that we have a child behavior specialist in the house today. Laura Reardon, thank you so much for being here with us. This is going to be a fantastic conversation, especially now that we're back to school. I think a lot of people are going to pay attention to this one.

Speaker 1: 2:03

Hi, jen. Thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I'm thrilled to be here. I love the idea of embracing the timing of the year because I so empathize as well with parents who have children. Starting the start of school is such a momentous time of year, I think, for all of us, but in particular for our parents with children. As you referenced, it's our parents with children going to their first day of preschool, all the way to really parents with children going to their first day of college. All of those days are big.

Speaker 2: 2:43

Yes, I just remember every single one of those, the emotions that just come with that, from my son, who is my oldest. I remember very distinctly his first day at kindergarten walking him we lived in Virginia at this time and walking him to the front of the neighborhood where the school bus would pick them up and watching him with his little book bag and getting onto that school bus it's forward to the first time, helping him load things into the car to go to college. You're absolutely right, those emotions never go away. To be honest with you, even though he and my daughter who I, had the exact same emotions with her from kindergarten all the way to packing her up to go to college, even though they're adults now, those same feelings never go away. I think, as a parent, you just have to just strap yourself in and realize that this emotional roller coaster, you ain't getting off of this ride.

Speaker 1: 3:49

That's so funny. I've never heard it put that way, but I'm going to remember that you don't get off this ride.

Speaker 2: 3:58

Yeah, it ain't happening Something else. I know that I have a lot of listeners who are also teachers. I'm sure that they will also appreciate this conversation because, being in the classroom, they spend so much time with our children. The things that we will talk about today in our conversation, I think they will find helpful as well. Let's dive right on in. Why don't you just, for our listeners, introduce yourself? What's your origin story? How did you become a child behavior therapist? Why did you specifically decide to focus on emotional regulation? Because that's really what we're going to focus on today.

Speaker 1: 4:45

Yes, emotional regulation. I was first introduced to the concept of emotional regulation when I was in college at North Eastern University as a psychology major. That's when I began to learn about emotional regulation, what it is, and the power that it has to improve our personal relationships, to improve our performance at work and even to benefit our overall well-being and health. When I first graduated from college, for about 10 years I worked in human resources and I was able to bring my passion for emotional regulation and express it through that way.

Speaker 1: 5:29

When I had children, I not unexpectedly became passionate about teaching the skills of emotional regulation to my children, because I understood and was excited about the power of them. It's not really that skill that they teach in school. I really embraced the idea of teaching it in my home. It turned out that my job as a mom was much more triggering than my job as a human resources generalist. It turns out that I learned that the skills, the tools that were taught in the books that we read in the classes that we went to, especially at that time, the tools of consequences and rewards, ignoring unwanted behaviors, or even, as the years went along, the idea of teaching common skills and expecting our child to be able to utilize those the next time.

Speaker 1: 6:31

None of these skills actually built emotional regulation in our child. I wanted to learn more and learn better ways. This is what began my journey, when I started with getting certified as a child behavior specialist and led to becoming trained as an emotion coach, a child psychology coach and oh excuse me a child anxiety coach and also a parent coach. That was the journey that led me to the work that I do today, which is I work as an emotional regulation coach and I help parents respond to the big emotions and challenging behaviors in their home in a new way, in a way that builds the skills of emotional regulation.

Speaker 2: 7:19

I am so glad to hear you talk about this in terms of skills and building those skills. It's one of the things that I repeat over and over again. As a communication specialist, I go in and I help people learn how to communicate more effectively with one another. One area that we do focus on, of course, is emotions and just focusing on. Take a moment and think about how your own emotions are impacting your ability to communicate effectively. Then, in turn, try to be mindful of how their emotions are potentially impacting how they are communicating effectively with you.

Speaker 2: 8:00

You're right. This isn't something that you're going to listen to. This one podcast, this one episode and then, all of a sudden, you're going to be an expert in this area and all of your conversations with everyone you know they're going to go completely smoothly. That's just not how this works. I'm so glad to hear you emphasize that word skill and that this is something that you really do have to work at it. This isn't the magic bullet that you can just have and everything is going to be fixed automatically. I think that is such an important point to make that, yeah, this is something that is continuous and if you mess up, it's okay.

Speaker 1: 8:47

For sure. That's the foundation of what I teach, really. But I just want to add, too, to your comment that it's so necessary for us to get that training from people like you, because for most of us, we were not raised in homes in which we were taught the skills of emotional regulation. Most of us arrive to our relationships, our families, our jobs not having these skills. It's really important that we get that training and that we start building our skills. The good news is, emotional regulation is our skills that we can all learn at, and it's never too late and at any time. We all have the capacity to improve our ability to regulate our emotions. That's the good news. I feel inspired to respond to sort of inspire a new movement, a new generation of adults who were raised in homes in which they were taught the skills of emotional regulation. That's what I get really excited about.

Speaker 2: 9:56

Yeah, that is. I think that's something that is so needed, especially, you know, I see so many studies out the impact of online, you know, the social media platforms. Digital literacy is a huge thing that I am very passionate about, you know, just helping kids learn how the things that they are consuming, all the information they're consuming, does have an impact on not only how they view the world but how they interact with the world around them. So I think teaching these, these skills to them is so incredibly important, especially for today's youth, who they're having to deal with a lot of things that I don't think. Well, not that I don't think that I know at least I didn't have to deal with, you know when, when I was growing up as a part of Generation X, Gen X you know, I just turned 50 this year and I think about how my friends and I we didn't have some of the pressures that the young ones have today.

Speaker 2: 10:55

As far as you know, being online and the tick tock and Instagram and you know all of those other things that have such an incredible impact on self image and you know how, how they it can just have a huge impact on their psyche all of those things. But you had mentioned parents as well, with emotional regulation and parents, and how it's not too late to learn how to do this. I'd like to focus on that for a little bit because, if you know it, if you're a young parent especially, and you're like I was, you didn't grow up in an environment where you were taught these skills what are some pieces of advice that you can give? Well, you know what? Not even a young parent, maybe an older parent, who they're just now starting this journey, you know what what are those conversations like that you have with parents to just help them begin this journey?

Speaker 1: 11:56

Yeah, I mentioned a moment ago that it all starts with compassion, and that's the foundation of everything I teach. So that's where I like to start, and like to start with creating compassion for ourselves as parents and why it's hard for us to regulate our own emotions, and also compassion for our children and understanding why it's hard for them to regulate their emotions. So a good starting place is a very simple definition of emotions and what is the purpose of emotions? And the purpose of emotions is to communicate information to us about our needs. So if we're experiencing comfortable emotions, where our needs are being met, and if we're experiencing uncomfortable emotions, our needs are not being met.

Speaker 1: 12:40

My definition of emotional regulation is the is the ability to be with our feelings the comfortable ones and the uncomfortable ones and respond in ways that allow us to stay with that feeling, be present with it and respond with curiosity for, hmm, what is this feeling telling me about my unmet need? So that's a very logical and practical way of responding to our feelings in a really effective way. But the reason that's so challenging for us as human beings is because of the way our nervous system unconsciously affects our behavior, and so what happens is that when we're feeling comfortable emotions, we are emotionally, emotionally regulated and we are able, to excuse me, respond in those effective ways. But when we feel uncomfortable emotions, we can feel overwhelmed by them and we can feel scared. And when we feel overwhelmed and scared, it can trigger our fight, flight or freeze response. And so what happens is, instead of responding in effective ways, we responded in effective ways because of our automatic and unconscious reaction to these emotions that we're experiencing, and so, instead of being able to stay present with our emotions and respond with curiosity to what our needs are and how we can meet those in effective ways, we respond by lashing out or shutting down, and what happens is that, instead of creating, you know, instead of getting our needs met, we are responding in ways that, in fact, don't get our needs met.

Speaker 1: 14:33

So that's why it makes sense that managing our emotions are so challenging, even as adults who have a fully developed brain. Again, as adults, we can also have additional compassion for ourselves by acknowledging that many of us were raised in homes in which emotional regulation was not taught, and so that makes it really challenging. And what makes it really challenging for our kids is the part of our brain that helps us to regulate our emotions is the prefrontal cortex, and that is not. That doesn't even really begin to develop until age four or five, and it's not fully developed until we're closer to age 30. And so it develops slowly over a long period of time. And so, for all of these reasons again, we can start with from that place of compassion for why responding to our emotions in effective ways is really challenging.

Speaker 2: 15:29

That you know. There's so much in what you just said and I know a lot of the listeners are going to have a sigh of relief. No, okay so there you're telling me there's nothing wrong with me, absolutely normal that I'm having. You know this, you know response.

Speaker 1: 15:47

Yeah, human beings that evolved with the primary goal of keeping ourselves safe.

Speaker 2: 15:52

Yeah, yeah, it totally makes sense. You know, and you're right that that logical part of the brain because I've been there and I still get there to this day you know that something happens and you get triggered by it and it's really really easy to just immediately have that response. So how do you take? What is that first step that you can take? Now? I know what, what I have learned to do. You know when, when I'm having a difficult time, I'm having a difficult conversation, or maybe someone says something that I begin to cringe because they're saying something. You know, I've learned a couple of things that I can do. You know, kind of step away for a moment in, in kind of gather my thoughts and, before I respond, I don't react to things. I respond to things now, but what are some of the actions or tools? Or you know someone who is now recognizing okay, I get it now. This is pretty normal. I'm not alone in this. I'm still reacting to things in ways that are making it worse and not making it better. What, what can they do?

Speaker 1: 17:06

you know, to begin this, Well, the first step is, once we have that understanding and compassion, the next step is to recognize how our environment can set us up for success or set us up for failure, in regulating our emotions. So, for example, when we're not getting enough sleep or proper nutrition, or hydration, or movement or connection or all of these things, it leads to overwhelm, and it leads to something that, if we were operating at full capacity, would not feel overwhelming. But when we're not operating at full capacity, it does feel overwhelming, and so we're much quicker to be triggered into our fight-fight or freeze response when our core needs are not being met. Now, as parents, this is so challenging and, again, so much compassion, because we are often in these years in survival mode, and so I know that I always share the story that when I was a parent of young children and I didn't have this awareness, I didn't have this understanding of how our well-being supported our emotional regulation, and so I was that parent who wore that badge of honor for not meeting my needs and always putting my own children's needs as number one. I just didn't know better. I was doing the best I could in that moment, and now for today's generation, in many ways it's gone to the opposite end of the spectrum, because they're hearing these messages and now they're understanding the importance of, you know, meeting their needs as a important component of being able to act as the best parent they can and to support their emotional regulation. And it can feel like just one more thing on their to-do list when they're already in survival mode and just barely getting through the day.

Speaker 1: 19:04

Now, of course, everyone's individual circumstances are different and for some of us, we have the ability to create places to, you know, to meet our well-being, to support our well-being, more easily than others, and so I always say, if the only self-care that you can provide yourself in a day is compassion, then that is really valuable. You know, at the end of the day, when our head hits the pillow and we all do this oh, it was on my to-do list to meditate. It was on my to-do list to get out and go for a walk, it was on my to-do list to do this, and we somehow get through the day and everything else happened except those things. We can go to compassion. You know, I did my best today, and doing our best is always good enough.

Speaker 2: 19:55

And you know, listening to you say that it just makes me think of, even though I don't have kids, you know, in the home anymore, it's easy for me to still fall into that. Oh, I'm meant to go for that walk, oh, I meant to do that, I meant to do it. You're right, it's so easy to fall into that trap and to just take a moment and say I did the best I could today with, with what I had. I did the best I could today with you know, everything that was going on. That does go a long way. You know, I'm still learning to practice that self-compassion because, you're right, you know, we fill our day with all of the things and sometimes that self-care just seems like that's just one more thing that I've put on myself and now I'm feeling the pressure to get it done and it's doing the opposite of what we were hoping it would do as far as how we're feeling. You know, in that moment in time, I think if I had known then what I know now regarding this, I probably would have had. You know, when my son and daughter were younger, our mornings probably would have gone a lot smoother. You know, with the, you know the whole everything was just. Some mornings it was just. It seemed like it was out of control, and that made me think of something that you, just, you know, you said previously about. Are you getting enough sleep? You know, are you eating healthy? Are you getting enough water? You know, all of these basic things that contribute to your well-being. You know, it's not just about making time to go for a walk or, you know, just shoving one more thing into your day, but, you know, even just looking at your sleep schedule which I know can be difficult, but it makes perfect sense, you know are you able to actually handle this effectively if you are operating on minimal sleep, you know, and you wake up grouchy, of course, you're probably not going to have a good morning when that happens. So think about the kids, you know, if they're not sleeping well.

Speaker 2: 22:05

If you've read my book Cracking the Rich Code, you know it is chock full of fantastic advice from top thought leaders and super successful entrepreneurs from around the world. How would you like to be a member of an exclusive community that provides that same how to content from those same leaders? What if you were able to attend member only live events and interact with them? I'd like to invite you to join the Rich Code Club. It will change the way you think about yourself, your money and your life. It's the only social media platform purely focused on helping you grow. Join the Rich Code Club today for free by clicking on the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 22:49

And you lead to the next step, which is, you know, then we can look at our the environment. You know our child's environment and we can become curious about are their needs being met? You know for and every child is different and you know your child best. But we all need places for downtime and for children that can really look like play, especially for our very young children. And play creating unstructured playtime not the going to art class, not the going to sports. Unstructured playtime is one of the most important things that we can be sure to create space for in our child's day, because that does so many important things, including helping them to work things out that have been going on for them, and it also supports the development of the prefrontal cortex. And so we want to look at things like play, like for ourselves. We want to look at things like their sleep. That's probably the number one thing that I'll ask a parent about when we first talk and they're experiencing a challenge in their home is what does sleep look like for your child and how much sleep are they getting? Because that's so such an important foundation to our ability to regulate our emotions. You know, for some of our kids they really like to be on the go, go go. And as a culture, as parents, we are often, you know, very scheduled in terms of, you know, the activities going on after school. So, again, we just want to have an awareness of creating balance for structured time as well as unstructured time. You know, there's endless ways that we can support their environment. Even the way that we communicate with them is a way that we can create an environment that supports their well being.

Speaker 1: 24:47

There's so many effective ways that we can communicate with our child. You know, for example, when we want them to do all those simple things, especially for our young children put on your shoes, wash your hands, get in the car. You know, this can be such a daily challenge for parents, but when we learn some creative ways to communicate that set us all up for success. For example, children are particularly good at doing what they're supposed to do, but they're so good at having fun. And so, when we can, you know, when we have the capacity and we don't always have the capacity, but when we have the capacity and we can turn something into a game, you know like you know something silly, like, if you need them to get in that car seat, oh, don't get in your car seat right now, because you know our invisible friend Joey is in there and we don't want to sit on Joey. So just don't get in your car seat right now.

Speaker 1: 25:41

You know again, just silly, you know your kid, you know what's going to make them laugh. Or, our kids also love to know the answers to questions, so we can instead of turn a request into a question oh, what is it that we put on next, you know. Or again, silliness, you know. Oh, time to put your shoes on your head. And again, all of these things seem so silly to us, but they are so effective with our children and they love it and it just it turns. It just really supports cooperation. So when we learn effective ways to communicate with our children, it can really also support and set everybody up for success in regulating their emotions.

Speaker 2: 26:24

Yeah, I love that. You know you're really talking about getting on their level and trying to see it through their eyes and think about, in this moment, what is going to make this a little more fun for them. Or you know, how can I get them to understand this in a certain way and you're allowed to have fun with it. I think sometimes, like you said earlier, we're in survival mode and sometimes when we're stuck in that survival mode, we forget to laugh. We forget that if little Joey wants to wear cowboy boots with his shorts, you know, instead of his tennis shoes, it's not the end of the world. Okay, so he's wearing cowboy boots with his shorts, you know that's perfectly fine.

Speaker 2: 27:13

I think sometimes maybe we do get stuck in that cycle of just wanting everything to be the way we think it is supposed to be or the way it should be, and we lose sight of just going on this ride and having fun with it and, yeah, not taking it too seriously all the time. Do you run into parents who have kind of lost sight of that side of things?

Speaker 1: 27:39

Oh, I think we all lose sight of that side Absolutely. How could we not in the day to day that we need to? You know the routines that we need to get through every day? You know, I still have this memory and I don't know why I remember this. But when I had my second child, I remember saying to my husband oh my gosh, when we need to go upstairs I will just be able to pick her up and walk up the stairs. And it reminds me of how challenging it could be to get my child to get up the stairs.

Speaker 1: 28:18

Yep, I remember those days too, and it reminds me of another fun tip, because a lot of times we use, you know, racing as another strategy to, you know, make something fun and engage our child in a way that gets their attention. But that can be tricky because if it turns into siblings racing each other and then it gets them up the stairs. But by the time they're up the stairs they're then in a fight because one person won and one person lost. So another trick we can use there is have them race us and have us be the person that they beat, and then it makes them a team against me and then that just kind of creates all good, because they get to feel like they won and then they're connecting over they both won and there's no bad guy who doesn't want to be able to beat their parents at something Right?

Speaker 2: 29:04

I do remember, you know, just you sharing that story about going up the stairs. It reminded me one time many, many years ago I don't even remember what it was that my son was mad at me about something and he he was maybe five years old at the time and I remember he was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I told him to go upstairs and he's like he starts just going up the stairs, you know, stopping his little feet, and he stops halfway up and looks at me I don't like you very much. And then he turns around and keeps walking up the stairs and I had to take a moment to stop myself from laughing out loud because it was so funny, the way. I mean and I think in his little brain he truly meant it at that time because I was making him do something that he didn't want to do.

Speaker 2: 29:54

I'm sure it was probably bedtime or something like that, but you know, I just think that's a fun memory for me because it does remind me that you know, when I talk to younger parents, that you know they're going to say things and they're not even going to remember it the next day. So try your best to not take it too seriously, too much to heart. You know my son telling me I don't like you very much. You know, by the next day he didn't remember it, he was over it, and so you know, I think that's an important lesson that I had learned, just to, yeah, be able to laugh at some of those things, laugh some of those things off, because he was just in the moment and he got over it.

Speaker 1: 30:40

He ended up getting over it. Actually such a fantastic example to go to. Then what is the next step? And that's well, how do we respond in the moment? You know, when our child is and that was, you know, that to me sounds like a very, you know, young child. Good, you know, just kind of a cute thing we can all laugh at. But take that and go, take it to the next level. And our child is looking at us and saying I hate you and it's, and it's hurtful, or our child is hitting, whether it's hitting us or hitting their sibling, or hitting a friend.

Speaker 1: 31:13

You know when these things happen, or when we're asking our child to do that thing and they're not doing that thing and we don't have the capacity for humor in that moment and you know it turns into a moment of conflict. Yeah, you know, it's in those moments of big emotions triggering those big behaviors that we want to consider responding in a new way. In those moments again, our traditional strategies being consequences and rewards. And what's tricky about consequences and rewards and why they're not the most effective way to respond in those moments is because, for one thing especially when we're thinking about rewards, but it really can apply to both. It assumes an awful lot. It assumes that our child has the capacity in that moment to manage their emotions and respond in effective ways. And what we know is that, contrary to what we're often taught, we're often receive the message as parents that when our children are behaving in inappropriate ways, they're doing it's an intentional behavior and it's done to get their way. And it is true that if we have a child who, when they ask for something and we say no or whatever that particular situation is, but then they escalate and escalate and then we acquiesce and we just need it to go away and so we say, fine, you can do that thing or have that thing, then yes, we are training our child to escalate and intentionally escalate for the purpose of getting their way. That acknowledged, in most cases, when our children are escalating, it's because they're in that unconscious and automatic fight or freeze response that they do not yet have the brain development, the skills or potentially the capacity in that moment do us on in more effective ways. And so when we view behavior through that lens, we understand that in fact, consequences and rewards are not particularly effective because, again, it assumes that it's intentional behavior and often it's not. And also, even when it is effective, a challenge is that the consequence and the reward needs to keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and so, by the time our kids have arrived to between zine teens, we no longer have effective skills for managing emotions and behavior in our home, and so that's something to be aware of as well.

Speaker 1: 33:51

Another tool that we're often taught to use is ignoring unwanted behavior, and the reason that that's not the most effective choice is because what happens is that, again, if we're looking at behavior through the lens of, it's a reaction to being in a threat response, and if we understand that, as mammals, it's our instinct, when we feel overwhelmed or afraid, to then retreat back to and connect with that person, that adult, that caregiver who we feel safe with, then we understand that if we respond by ignoring or we could put timeouts in that category to we understand that by responding in that way, what we're doing is essentially escalating the threat response, essentially adding fuel to the fire of whatever the behavior is lashing out or shutting down. That's the reason that that's not the most effective response. And then what? The response that I did, which I thought was really brilliant at the time, and we hear a lot about it these days, which is teaching calming skills. The trick there is that excuse me, at least for myself, and I think a lot of other parents experience this is that we respond in these ways in which we're calm and then we connect with our child at a later time and we teach them these calming skills and then we expect that we're setting them up for success in the next time. Instead of lashing out or shutting down, they're going to use this calming skill and everything's going to be wonderful.

Speaker 1: 35:27

And then, of course, they don't, because they don't have the brain capacity yet to be able to pause, have this awareness that they're in a threat response and consider a different tool and put this tool into place. They cannot respond in that way until emotional regulation has developed in their brain, and so what happens is we end up feeling frustrated and wondering what's wrong with me or what's wrong with my child, and our children end up feeling helpless and shamed because we have this expectation and they're not able to meet it. So, that said, we all use all three of those tools, and you could also add in yelling. We all yell sometimes. We all use these tools sometimes and we're all probably always going to use these tools sometimes, and that's perfectly okay, because all we can do again is our best in that moment. So, again, it's all rooted in compassion.

Speaker 1: 36:21

But if we can have this awareness that when we have the capacity, there is a more effective tool available to us, a tool that is the most effective way to respond to big emotions and big behaviors in a way that supports the development of emotional regulation, and that's called co regulation. So co regulation is responding to big emotions and big behaviors by recognizing that what's happening is our child is dysregulated, rather than our child is purposefully misbehaving, and responding in a way that helps them feel physically and emotionally safe enough to return to emotional regulation. And so when we do that, when we are in that that's a very high level definition we can absolutely talk about how we actually apply that in individual circumstances, how we respond in a way that helps our child feel safe enough to return to emotional regulation. But when we respond in that way, the reason it's effective is because three important things happen. One is they return to regulation.

Speaker 1: 37:36

And when we're regulated, we have, we are biologically capable of acting in the ways that we want our children to act.

Speaker 1: 37:44

They're capable of listening and learning and being flexible and problem solving, and when we respond in that way over and over again, their brain wires to associate uncomfortable emotions with feeling safe, and so there.

Speaker 1: 38:07

So we see less behavior issues, we see improved social skills and we raise adults who are emotionally regulated rather than emotionally reactive. Third, they're experiencing embodied learning, going back to teaching calming skills, and there's nothing bad about teaching calming skills, unless you're expecting them to have the capacity to use that the very next time. But embodied learning is an even more effective way to teach calming skills, because what's happening is they're learning what it feels like in their body to go from feeling dysregulated to regulated, and so that is, in fact, the most effective way for them to learn how to calm themselves in the future. And that's so important for us to understand, because, as a culture, we're so focused on teaching independence and we're worried that if we help our child calm themselves, that they will be dependent on us to help them calm themselves forever. That was my worry. That's why I expected my child to be able to calm themselves. I didn't understand that co-regulation was in fact, a prerequisite to be able to self-regulate and be emotionally regulated on their own.

Speaker 2: 39:33

It can be so challenging earlier you had mentioned if you have a child who tends to lash out or back, and that's an area. I know a lot of parents or even teachers who are in a classroom who witness this type of behavior, some interruption that happens in class. I never had that experience with my kids, you know, like hitting me back or hitting a teacher or anything like that, picking fights, and so I'm not quite sure. You know, when I witness something like this happening with other parents or I see it happening, you know, in the school system I don't really know what to say to them. You know, in that moment to, I guess you know, kind of help them figure out how to get to the stage where that you're talking about. You know, helping their child learn how to, I guess, along the way, figure out how to self-regulate.

Speaker 2: 40:35

It's a very difficult thing to do. Do you think that some children are just have a natural more calm disposition than other children? You know are some just a little more challenging, and so those parents are just going to have to work a little harder, you know, to develop these skills than other parents might. You know what, what, what have you witnessed in those different types of situations, with children who tend to have a little more I don't want to use the word desire, but the response. The reaction tends to be a little more violent, you know, than other kids.

Speaker 1: 41:14

Yeah, that's such an important point that you bring up. For some of us, you know, we have children. For those of us who have more than one child, oftentimes one of those children might just be naturally more calm, more regulated than another child who might be more quick to quick to be quick to go to reactive, and so what happens is that it's all about individual differences, and this is what you know. We talk a lot about inclusion these days, and this is how inclusion can show up in parenting is understanding individual differences in our children. So, for example, for our children who are born as deeply feeling children or who have sensory sensitivities and so they're particularly reactive to sounds or smells or how things feel, for our children who have a diagnosis of ADHD or a SD and a wide variety of other individual differences, so these kids feel things more deeply and so and, and, and they have fight, fight or freeze responses that get triggered more easily. And so it's so easy for us, as parents who have that emotionally regulated child, to look at the reactive child and think, oh my gosh, what's wrong with that parent or what's wrong with that child. And it brings us back to inclusion, it brings us back to understanding. We're all different and we're all doing our best. And so, in fact, for that child for whom emotional regulation comes more easily In fact it's the child who's looking as though they have there a bad kid I sit put that in quotation marks because I don't mean that at all, but that. But some of us can. If we don't have this education and we're not looking through behavior through this lens, we can respond in judgmental ways. In fact, that child is working 100 times harder at regulating their emotions than than the child who appears to be doing such a good job with it. So, instead of, you know, praising that child to stay and come, for whom it comes so darn easily, and in fact celebrate that child for whom it is so challenging, so how, how co regulation would look in that moment of a child who is hitting is again, we want to remind ourselves of our goal. We want to pause and remind ourselves that this child is in a threat state right now. They are feeling overwhelmed or they are feeling afraid and they don't yet have the capacity, brain development skills or potentially, the capacity in that moment, to respond in a more effective. Pause, and we remind ourselves of that, it brings to us to a very different space and so we can start there in recognizing challenging behavior as dysregulation in most cases. And then the second piece of co regulation is to respond in ways that help the child feel physically and emotionally safe enough to return to regulation, because we can't teach when they're dysregulated.

Speaker 1: 44:35

And when we are in a fight, flight or freeze state, our brain is fully prioritizing all capacities that are about survival. And so things like our heart rate increases and are you know, because, because our blood blood starts flowing faster so that we can react more quickly, our muscles tense, we begin to excuse me, begin to sweat, because that's our automatic air conditioning system. All of these things are prioritized in our brain and our body that are supporting survival. The thing that does not support survival is our logical brain or prefrontal cortex. That is not a time for us to be thinking through something thoughtfully and reflecting. This is a time for automatic instincts. So it is very hard to access our thinking brain in that moment. So again, our child is biologically incapable of, you know, oftentimes hearing in that moment, certainly not listening, learning, or being calm or flexible or problem solving. So we can just take that expectation off the table until we're able to support them.

Speaker 1: 45:40

And returning to regulation, which is why it's our number one goal. We can't do anything. We can't do anything effective until we get them back to regulation. It's the only effective thing to do in that moment, because nothing good is going to happen until we get them back to a regulated state.

Speaker 1: 45:55

So in that moment, to provide physical safety, I would say I won't let you. And whatever needed to be done in that moment, using as little force as necessary, whether it's just gently holding their arms back or standing up into children or whatever needs to be done again, using as little force as necessary, but not letting the child hit or hurt themselves or someone else in that is, provides the physical safety I won't you. And then doing what needs to be done, and then I would say what one thing you could do is say something like I'm right here with you. Until you're able to control your body, I'm right here with you. That might help one child.

Speaker 1: 46:44

But the really important thing to understand about co regulation is that what helps one child feel safe is very different than what helps another child feel safe. So for some of us, words can be very comforting. You're not alone in this. Again, as mammals, we seek safety through being with a safe caregiver. I won't let you. I'm right here with you. You know that creates that emotional and physical safety. Now for words might be really triggering, and the best thing to do in that moment is to provide that compassion non verbally, through a soft gaze in your eye, through body language, things like that. For other kids, what they really need in that moment is movement, and so it's really tricky in for teachers. I don't pretend to be an expert in the classroom, because it's so much different in terms of how you would manage this in the classroom than at home. It might be a lot easier to say let's go out to the playground, let's get outside. Changing scenery, getting outside in nature, movement these are all things that really help a child regulate.

Speaker 2: 48:00

Imagine your favorite online dating app, but instead of using it for finding dates, you are booking podcasting interviews. The Podmatch uses similar technology to match the ideal podcast host with the ideal podcast guest for interviews. I know it works because that's how I get so many awesome guests for my show. I used to spend hours scouring my social media channels hoping to be able to find just one reliable guest for my show. Now I simply log into Podmatch and let the program do all the work. It really is just that easy, and if you are a podcaster looking for compatible guests or you are a guest looking to be on a reputable podcast, sign up for Podmatch today by clicking on the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 48:48

My mom was a teacher all her life and so I have such tremendous respect for teachers and the classroom and I think it's so valuable for them to consider behavior through this lens and also so challenging for them to figure out ways that they can implement these new ways in a classroom. There are ways that they can do it, but it can be a different challenge than the way we do it in a home.

Speaker 2: 49:15

Oh yeah, you know, like you had mentioned, just recognizing in this emotional state, maybe the child does need to just be able to go outside on the playground and just run it out, you know, or whatever it is that you just kind of get that out in that moment in time because they're just not able to be able to self-regulate. But it can be challenging because if you're the only teacher in the classroom and you've got a classroom full of like 40, 50 kids in some cases, because they're just so overpopulated in the classrooms and in some of these school systems, so really to be able to have the support from the school system itself, you know, and have a teacher assistant or someone who's accessible, if you understand that you have a child who might need that extra step to be able to learn this then or to get to that state, that would really help that one teacher out. But they are just in a difficult position.

Speaker 1: 50:13

Yeah yeah, they. You know there's ways to get creative in a classroom. For example, those balls, those big balls that children can sit on and bounce up and down, because, of course, in most cases there wouldn't be the flexibility to allow that child the opportunity to get outside and run around the playground in that particular moment. And so a bouncy ball can help for some children. They're feeling, really their senses are completely overwhelmed. Being in a classroom can be really overwhelming. You know, for some children what a beautiful experience all these colors and posters and things to look at, and for our kids who have sensory sensitivities, particularly visually, for example, that can be a really overwhelming space. And so when they're in a moment where they're something's challenging and you know their capacity is lower because they're in this, really in this space that is challenging their senses and ability to manage that, and so then something happens and they're more easily triggered.

Speaker 1: 51:14

We can create just like we can at home.

Speaker 1: 51:16

We can create quiet spaces in the classroom and it's not about, again, it's not about timeouts, and again, this can be tricky for some students.

Speaker 1: 51:27

In a classroom they may have a one on one aid or an aid who helps a variety of students, and that aid could help in that moment, but in an ideal situation and we don't live in an ideal, perfect life so that we always again come back to compassion and we just do our best in the moment but in an ideal situation, just like at home, in the classroom.

Speaker 1: 51:48

It's not about sending our kids to time out, but it could be about saying would you like to take a break in a quiet space and let's go together. And then other things that can help children to regulate in the moment are calming activities like coloring or reading a book. Things like this can be calming activities that we can have set up and ready to go in our calming spaces. So again, the tricky thing about emotional excuse me, the tricky thing about co-regulation is that it really does require us to experiment and get to know our child, whether that child is our student or whether that child is our child. We need to get to know them as individuals and what helps them calm in that moment.

Speaker 2: 52:38

You're just making me think of how, even with my own children, as they grew older, you know earlier you had mentioned, yeah, I mean, kids are completely different. They can grow up in the same house and have completely different ways of responding to situations. And you know, emotionally and all of those things, my kids were smaller. My son was the one who was constantly on the go, bouncing off the walls, you know, just nonstop motor running, and it was just so incredibly challenging being a mom of a young boy. He just wanted to get into everything and I, to this day I can't believe he didn't break any bones when he was going on because he had like no, like no self-awareness of you just put yourself in a very dangerous position, climbing all the way to the top of that tree.

Speaker 2: 53:26

And my daughter was the opposite, you know. She just was very calm and self-spoken, and night and day. But as they got older, they hit middle school, and it seemed like their personalities, their personalities just completely switched. You know she started going through the hormonal changes, you know emotional rollercoaster was happening and then he seemed to calm down and so by the time, you know they were teenagers. It was like, wow, there was like this flip that happened, and so I think it's, you know, helpful the things that you have said regarding taking a moment and recognizing what is happening with your child and look through that lens of compassion, just because it is possible for them to change Well, they will change over time.

Speaker 2: 54:25

What might work when they were little kids as they get older and the hormones are hitting and their challenges at school get much different, they're probably going to react in different ways, and so I think listening to what you have talked about today is so incredibly for parents. Regardless of whatever stage their child is in, they're gonna have to be able to take that moment and look at it through a lens of compassion. Are there any other tools that you would recommend for parents as they're recognizing that shift?

Speaker 1: 54:57

Yes, and before I go on to that next piece, I would just add that you're so right to recognize that this way of responding to behavior is something that can transition from our very young children all the way through to our teenagers, and again it's learning. It just starts with that viewing behavior through this lens. But let's say, our teenager or our tween walks into the room or walks, comes in from school or whatever it is, and just starts speaking to us in a really disrespectful way. Again, it's about holding boundaries, together with in the same way that we held that boundary for the child who was hitting. It's about holding boundaries while also recognizing that that child is not intentionally acting badly, but just in a really overwhelmed state where they don't the ability to respond in a more effective way. So we can respond by saying, hey, not okay to talk to me that way, but I can see you had a really bad day. What's going on? How can I help? You know and I even use this example with adults, with our, you know, an example for how it could look for ourselves as adults, because it's something we can apply to every stage of our life and in fact, again, as mammals, although we do learn how to self-regulate. And we do have that capacity as grownups because we're mammals and, again, it's our instinct to be with a safe person when we feel overwhelmed or scared. We benefit from co-regulation for our entire lives. We're really actually not meant to regulate alone. It's again our culture that really creates that idea that we should be able to do everything independently.

Speaker 1: 56:51

But an example would be is if let's say you know this can apply in any situation. But I'll just use the example of I just got home from work and my partner is with the children and has maybe let's actually do it this way. I'm gonna use an example of I was gonna do an example of a working mom, but I'm gonna do an example of a mom that's been home all day with the kids. Our husband walks in and we just go from having kept it together all day long acting as our best selves, acting as our worst selves. We are just our partner walked in and we're just letting it all out and they're seeing the worst of us.

Speaker 1: 57:36

Now it would be very fair and appropriate for our partner to react by setting limits and saying it's not okay to talk to me that way and identifying needs. I need you to communicate with me more effectively or what have you. But the point being is that when we have the capacity to act as our highest self which, again, we often do not, but we have the capacity to act as our highest self our partner could respond with co-regulation and look at us with compassion in their eyes and say wow, I imagine you're exhausted and you've had a long, hard day. How can I help? And they've set a limit, but in a way that is rooted in compassion, like I see you're not acting as your regular self, so there must be something going on and I can imagine, and I wanna, how can I help you?

Speaker 2: 58:30

I can see that being a tool to use anywhere, like even in the workplace. You're so right. Somebody comes in and they walk into the office and they go off on you about something. And you're right. I mean, it's a valuable tool to be able to stay in the moment and say, hey, it's not okay to talk to me that way, but I recognize you're a little stressed about something. What's going on? How can I help, instead of just immediately reacting in a way that, hey, and then it turns into this big argument, even in the office, or like the example you're using with the parents. That's fantastic. I mean, that's real life right there.

Speaker 1: 59:12

Yeah, and that ties back to what you started with in the beginning, when you acknowledged that you teach the tool of helping people learn to check in with their own emotions, but also to check in with other people's emotions.

Speaker 1: 59:26

Because, again, if we go back to the definition of emotions and if their emotions are intended to communicate information about our needs, when we respond in effective ways, we can get our needs met.

Speaker 1: 59:39

When we respond in effective ways, we're not setting ourselves up for getting our needs met, so that mom in that moment didn't have the capacity to respond in an effective way, so she's potentially setting herself up to not get her needs met, because oftentimes what would happen is, instead of that person being kind and compassionate, is that instead then they become reactive and instead of getting the support she needed, she would have then escalated what was already an exhausting situation to now an exhausting situation which she's also fighting with her partner, and so that just kind of helps us see how, in an ideal world, we wanna respond to our emotions in effective ways so we can get our needs met. But we live in a real world and so, with that in mind, we want to have compassion for ourselves and others and, when we can offer co-regulation to our child, to our partner, to our colleague. That's a wonderful thing.

Speaker 2: 1:00:33

Yeah, I gotta tell you that, what a fantastic way to wrap this episode up. I think we kind of went full circle. What a fantastic journey you took us through. I mean. So many tools, so many things to think about. I think that anybody who's listening to this episode right now, I think they need to re-listen to it again and have that notebook out and take down some notes, because, as much as I've been working in this field of communication for over 30 years now I learned so much through this conversation, so I am so incredibly thankful that you were willing to take your time and spend this time with us. You could be doing a thousand other things, but you chose to be with us here today to share this information that is gonna be so incredibly useful to so many people parents, teachers, young adults, everyone across the board. Is there anything that any final say that you would like to share with the listening audience before we wrap it up?

Speaker 1: 1:01:41

Yeah, I mean, I guess I would just say that if this is something, if what you're hearing resonates with you, then the next step is to understand that, in order to be able to co-regulate in the moment, you need to first regulate yourself in the moment. And so go to my website, laurareardandcoachingcom, and download the cheat sheet for how to stay calm in the moment when you feel like you're going to lose it, because that's gonna be a challenge for all of us.

Speaker 2: 1:02:13

Fantastic I'll make sure to put that link in the show notes for everyone to be able to access that this has been so impactful. It really has Fantastic information, so incredibly useful, and I think it brings hope. Sometimes we get into some really dark places. We don't know what the next move is, and I think that's probably the best thing about having conversations like these with experts like you is. It gives the rest of us hope that there is something that we can work at to try to make things just a little bit better. Even if it's that one teeny, tiny little thing that can try in that moment, it'll help to make things better and that's a good thing, something to be able to look forward to and to hope.

Speaker 1: 1:02:59

I hope so, I really hope so that people receive it in this way. I know it can feel overwhelming to consider a new way of responding, but I just really hope that, if not, if somebody takes nothing else from this conversation, if they bring with them again that new lens from which to look at our own behavior through and to look at our children's behavior through, that's enough to make a really important change.

Speaker 2: 1:03:29

Fantastic. All right, thanks again, laura, for spending your time with us. Thank you for having me. All right, everyone. I hope you found this episode useful. I know I did learn so much. I thank you for spending your time with us today, because you as well could be doing a thousand other things besides listening to this episode, so I hope that you did find some value in it, and I hope you also have a wonderful rest of your day. You all take care now bye. Thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this episode and you'd like to help support the podcast, please share it with others, post about it on social media or leave a rating and a review.